Ari Lesser – Kosher Meat – Shemini – 2013

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Lyircs by Ari Lesser
4/12/12
I don't eat animals not my style
It's been that way for quite some while
But if there came a time when I changed my mind
I would only dine on the kosher kind
No camel, hyrax ,or rabbit meat
They chew their cud but got the wrong feet
Don't eat no pig rolling in the mud
Spilt hoof but he just doesn't chew his cud
I don't endorse eating donkey, of course
Serve your husband horse and that's grounds for divorce
Giraffes are kosher but how the heck
Do you know where to shecht on an eight-foot neck
I keep the laws of kashrut, my jaws
Don't touch no flesh from a beast with paws
I don't eat no bear, no canine dogs
No weasel, porcupine, or hedgehogs
No feline cats, no mouse, no rats
No creep bloodsucking vampire bats
No monkeys, and no chimpanzees
And I won't eat you so please don't eat me
I don't eat animals not my style
It's been that way for quite some while
But if there came a time when I changed my mind
I would only dine on the kosher kind
I get sick just thinking about carrion picking
Buzzards and vultures, I'd stick with the chicken
Got no craven for ravens and crows
I'm saving my appetite if you're serving those
No penguin wing, and no emu leg
I don't want no scrambled ostrich egg
No parrot, no matter how you prepare it
Spare it, I'll just snack on a carrot
Take a bite from a bagel but not from a seagull
No kite, no hawk, no falcon or eagle
I'm ona diet where I stay away
From all kinds of raptors and birds of prey
No fowl like an owl, with the big eyes staring
Won't see me tear into the flesh of a heron
No piece of stork on the end of my fork
Cause that white meat's kosher like a piece a pork
And I don't eat animals not my style
It's been that way for quite some while
But if there came a time when I changed my mind
I would only dine on the kosher kind
I don't eat no creepy crawling things
No lizard legs and no insect wings
No slithering snakes, and no wiggling worms
Crawling round on the ground getting covered in germs
I'm no anteater I can't stand bugs
No spiders, no centipedes, no slugs
I'll pass on the cockroach, thank you, please
I'll take some honey, you can keep the bees
No scorpion with the poison tail
No escargot, I don't eat snail
Never had frog legs like they do in France
I wouldn't try that treif if I had the chance
No amphibians, no reptiles
No salamander, newt, toad, turtle, crocodiles
Feed me chameleon, I think I'll scream
And my face might turn from brown to green
Cause I don't eat animals not my style
It's been that way for quite some while
But if there came a time when I changed my mind
I would only dine on the kosher kind
I'd only eat sea food with fins and scales
No walrus, dolphins, or humback whales
No seahorse, sea lions, sea snails
No crab legs, no red lobster tails
No manatees, like the Japanese
No nasty sea urchin sushis
Sorry, I don't do calamari
Squid and octopus isn't for Ari
Peanut butter, no jellyfish
Put one in bowl and I'll break the dish
No prawn, no krill, no shrimp, I still
Never had crawdad, don't think I will
I don't make my meals with Moray eels
No oyster, shellfish, or elephant seals
No great white, hammerhead, when I swim
I shark might bite me, but I won't bite him
Cause I don't eat animals not my style
It's been that way for quite some while
But if there came a time when I changed my mind
I would only dine on the kosher kind